On being violated
I’ve never been raped. But I have been violated. Emotionally, mentally and physically and it had left in me feelings of powerlessness, defeat and self-loathing that took years to clean. Ask any woman and she will tell you that deep within her is a core made up self-worth and confidence which is protected by a thin crust of empowerment. The crust is so fragile that a simple act of emotional or mental violation can shatter it. And as in any shattered piece, the little slivers that stay hidden are the crucial ones that are needed to rebuild the confidence.
I’ve been looking for those slivers ever since and even today a few stay adamantly hidden. My crust has taken a lifetime to be built and still remains wobbly. I shudder to think what it must be like for a victim of rape. Can she ever get rid of the feeling of self-loathing ? I think not. Her crust needs to be built on being brave and never blaming herself for any of what happened to her. Because, truth be told, a man who rapes is the lowest of the low and would’ve done what he did regardless of what she was wearing or drinking or simply being at an inconvenient place.
I’ve heard it being suggested that family members or extended family members are most often to blame. I agree. A good part of my emotional and mental violation came from my family members. No, they were not sexual in nature. Instead, they aimed directly at the crust and in the process I spent years trying to feel good about myself and failed miserably. I realize now, in my middle-age, that most of that came from their own feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness. But the harm was inflicted. And sadly, however much you talk yourself to believing otherwise, it sticks on…like a piece of gum. The one sure-fire medication for this is, indifference.
Aah, the joys of being indifferent. When everything is water off a duck’s back. And when there is no guilt in not rushing in to do their bidding. I can’t emphasize enough how light and joyous that feeling is and so therapeutic. It should be bottled and sold!
Violation of the emotions should have a place in the medical books. We women are a carefully balanced pile of emotions and once that balance is skewed it is almost impossible to revert to normal. No, that’s true. If you carefully study a reasonably self-confident woman you will notice that she has the capacity to take on anything and make a success of it. If you dig beneath the core you will notice that she was surrounded by people who told her that she could achieve anything she wanted.
Sounds simple, right? But no, it is not.
So, if you have a sister or a daughter or a mother make sure you never touch that core inside. Instead, work with them on making it stronger. It is not necessary to be vicious to prove any point. And more importantly, making a woman stronger is so much better than stomping her self-confidence and self-love to the ground. Who knows, it may actually make you feeling good about yourself!